Oh boy was this a crazy year…hang on for a very bumpy, curvy and shocking blog…..
It started off with FREEDOM…freedom from my now ex-husband, he finally had moved out of the house December 2016…January 2017 was the start to rebuild me. I was feeling great, working out, gained self-confidence again…house was in harmony. I gained an amazing roommate who has turned into a great friend, I was working a job that I truly loved…things were finally falling into place….boy was I wrong!!! God apparently had more lessons for me to learn…mind, body and soul…people and trials.
The first big smack in the face came in March…my heart decided to let me know all the crap I had put it through and dealt with these last few years…BAM!! HEART ATTACK, at age 42 WTF…this wasn’t happening to me. At first I thought I was just having a panic attack or anxiety attack since I had been getting them the last couple years, but it had been a few months. So I did my typical breathing, stretching…nothing was helping the pain in my chest was nothing like I had felt before. I had become nauseous, clammy, sweaty and felt like 1000 pounds of pressure was pushing on my chest. Luckily my roommate had just pulled up in the driveway and I told her to call 911. The firemen show up and OF COURSE every single one of them is good looking…because life is funny that way!!
I get the hospital and they run test to see what it was, what was going on with my heart. There are cells in our heart that if the heart gets damaged they get released into our blood stream…well when they took my blood and tested it, the numbers were a tiny bit high…so I had to wait three hours to run the test again, if the numbers go down I could go home, if the numbers were high I had to stay over night and run more tests.
LUCKY ME!!! My numbers sky rocketed!! Soooo more test, this on involved dye being inserted into my artery through my groin….yep! Keep in mind my blood pressure and heart rate are extremely abnormal right now….so because my heart rate was to LOW they couldn’t give me the full dose of medicine to help numb the area for the catheter that would be going in my artery…and per the doctor I have abnormally small arteries…WHICH ALL EQUALS OUCH!! After running the dye through my arteries and veins, good news I have no buildup or blockage and it wasn’t a heart attack…it was Takotsubo carediomyopathy (say that three times) or also known as “heartbreak syndrome” WTF but I didn’t have a broken heart…I was the happiest I had been in years!! Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is a weakening of the left ventricle, the heart’s main pumping chamber, usually as the result of severe emotional or physical stress…STRESS…this was all caused by stress. My heart was finally able to tell me the damage I had caused it over the last few years. Besides my mom and my son…3 people came to see me at the hospital…3!!!
For one week after I literally couldn’t do anything but sit on the couch, I physically could feel the bruising of my heart muscle…almost the same feeling as when you get a charlie horse and after it goes away your muscle is sore…that’s how my heart felt. I felt so helpless and I hated it, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t do anything around the house, I was told I couldn’t workout for 6 months!! I was depressed. I try to follow doctors orders as much as I possibly can…and luckily after only 3 months I was giving 100% clearance from the cardiologist…I can resume normal life…BUT I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS ANY MORE.
Middle of the year and my life was still being tested, tossed around, I find myself having to make choices I never thought I’d make!!
Summer of 2017 was pretty amazing and bitter sweet, I visited my bff in CA (wish I could go more often) and visited my hometown Prescott. I took my son to San Francisco and we had an amazing trip and I finally got to meet my Facebook friend, my peanut butter to my jelly 🙂 and found myself looking for a new job. The job I was at didn’t need me anymore and I was pretty disappointed after all I felt I had done, but there wasn’t anything else I could do so I ventured out into the medical field and left the gym life. I do miss the gym life though, helping people better them selves, but now I’m helping people in a different way and I have benefits and 401K aka an adult job 😉
Dating…where do I start!! Not sure if you read my blog “Dating after Divorce” but it still is pretty much the same. ITS SUCKS!! Guys think we are complicated…ummm at least we know what we want, ok I know what I want. Guys on the other had say one thing and do the complete OPPOSITE!! Blows my mind and makes me crazy. Guys will really say things you want to hear just to reel you in then “haaa haaa, just kidding I don’t want anything serious, I’m not ready for a relationship…blah blah blah” I’m pretty upfront and honest with guys I meet, I am looking for that someone, someone to spend time with, do things with, relax with…have a relationship with. I’m not going to wait for you to “fit me into your life” If you like me you should want me there when ever possible. Yep I require a lot of attention, doesn’t always have to be physical attention…but a good morning text goes a long way. Knowing I’m on your mind, that you are making an effort to let me know that I’m a priority…yep that’s whats important. I will never settle for being a second thought again. I will be the first to tell you after a couple dating disasters and some major disappointments my trust level and my walls are through the roof. Please don’t take that as I’ve turned into a bitter old hag, I still have hope and I still am a hopeless romantic…BUT its gonna take someone amazing and patient and persistent to breakdown these walls. I don’t regret any decisions, or men…it just gave me a new strength, new item to add to the list and as always a lesson learned. 2018 is about protecting my heart, physically and emotionally.
There’s another big lesson I learned in 2017 and that is the meaning and loyalty of friendship….yep LOYALTY…a lot of girls have no idea what that means!! Hang on this one is gonna shock you…YOU DON’T FUCK YOUR FRIENDS EX-HUSBANDS!!!!! Yep I said it, I found out that in 2017 three…yes three of my “friends” had sex with my ex-husband and he was BRAGGING about it…and yes all three of these “girls” are friends with him on Facebook too. One of them I have known for over 20 years!! Apparently she got mad at me for dating someone she “dated” so I guess that gave her the right to sleep with my ex. The other one, I’m kinda not surprised…even though she didn’t know him at all before me, actually threw me my divorce party….guess she got mad at me because I didn’t want to live the “drinking till drunk” lifestyle she lives but she decided to befriend him and well send nude pics and sleep with him…and apparently her BFF followed suit. My ex-maid of honor betrayed me as well, but not surprised at that one, she always liked drama and I wouldn’t put it past her to have slept with him to. I do know she and him have talked shit about me. I had someone ask me if I confronted these people…NOPE, they aren’t worth my time, my energy or my life. Sooooo with all that, do you understand why I don’t get close to people, that I have trust issues when it comes to pretty much everyone.
One great thing 2017 has brought me is a closer bond and relationship with my son. Man without this kid my life would be nothing. He make me smile, keeps my head above water and I couldn’t be more blessed to be his mom. This year he has seen me in the hospital, he’s seen me cry and heartbroken and he has seen me get up and become a better person. He is my heart, my life. He is the reason I keep striving to be a better person.
My Mom…man she’s amazing. We definitely have had our ups and downs and we don’t agree on everything but she’s my rock!! She did something that I am soooo proud of, she finally took care of herself first and retired WOOO HOOO and moved to Baja Mexico!!! She is a strong and loving person and she deserves to have the best in life and I couldn’t be happier for her in this decision, even though she’s not a car ride away anymore, she is still there for me when I need her!!
My arm My mom’s arm
So with all the craziness that 2017 brought to my life, I am looking forward to an amazing 2018! I have a handful of truly loyal friends, I have my son, my health (kinda lol, still need to start working out again) I have my pets, and I have God leading my way. I will be the best version of me, I will still have bad days, but I will always GET BACK UP SWINGING!! I still have some issues, still have struggles, still am a hopeless romantic but I’m never going to stop growing and bettering myself. Cheers to 2018!!