Its OK to say NO

Ahhh the word NO…so easy to say and spell yet so hard to do! How many have this problem? Wether it comes to your kids, spouse, friend and or work?

I’ve slowly started learning what NO means and how it is OK to say it. Is not always a negative thing, it can actually save your life, your health, your relationship, your stress.

Repeat after me…thank you but NO….thank you but NO…thank you but NO

When it comes to kids, that’s kinda easy we say no to things that will hurt them, too much sugar, bad influences etc, but what about to friends, loved ones, your boss…how easy is it for you to say NO?
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Saying NO should never make you feel guilty or selfish. Saying NO should show others that you are in control of your life. We as women, especially mothers we tend to forget to say no because we focus on our family’s, how we can help, provide and take care of. When saying NO could be the best thing for them, and you.

 

Lets start with friends, you will have friends that come and go, and you will have friends you love but know that being around them isn’t what your life and your mental health needs; so saying NO I can’t and don’t want to hang out is OK. Don’t feel bad, if you need explain why… i.e. your behavior isn’t something I want to be around, I love you and will be here for you when you need me but I can’t hangout with you. Just like we tell our kids, you are who you associate with. If they are truly your friend they will understand and hopefully make plans with you that is suitable for you and them.friends
Your work, you boss will continue to ask you to go above and beyond as long as you let them. and if it’s not leading to a higher pay or position then it’s not benefiting you or your family in any way. You need to have boundaries even with your employer. “I wish I could, but I am going to have to say NO because…” Make sure you boss understands why, don’t just say NO and walk away that = FIRED! At the same time know what truly is expected of you, when your review is and document how and when you went above and beyond. If you can’t say NO, make sure all your YES’S benefit you! 740ae0af399a4bde1f93759f4bf9db7e
AHHH your spouse, significant other…how do you say NO? And I’m not just talking sexually…I’m talking when your spouse asks so much of you, you start to get taken advantage of. Relationships aren’t 50/50, but it should be 100/100. When you start to feel you never say NO, and they always say NO or I CAN’T etc…then your boundaries have been crossed and you aren’t being respected. Respect = Love and your partner should respect your boundries.
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We all need boundaries, and there are people who will push your boundaries but you need to stand tall and firm. This is your wellbeing, your health and personally speaking…your stress…and stress CAN DO HARM IF NOT KILL!!  There is a great book to help you in finding your boundries, where they come from and why you may not have any. I HIGHLY recommend this book!
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your By: Henry Cloud

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So remember it’s OK to say NO and it’s not selfish or mean. Its taking your life back and controlling what and who comes into your life. boundaries make us who we are, you need to find yourself again, I needed to find myself again. I will not feel guilty or selfish for telling someone NO. Its respect for yourself and if your loved ones, friends, boss have respect for you they will understand your NO!!

Repeat after me…its OK to say NO! ITS OK TO SAY NO!! ITS OK TO SAY NO!!

To end the blog, heres a little something fun..fun ways to say NO…from Justin Musk31176f5088a019463756261b7432c51f

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Dating after a divorce

Is HORRIBLE!! Haaa haaa ok maybe not that bad, but at my age I hate dating, the games, the questions, the doubt. Dating is one of those necessary evils. So how do we handle it, with all the crazy dating apps and just plain crazy out there? Here’s what I’ve done, and yep there’s some comical parts but it helped me get to where I’m at today. 

I’m sure a lot has to do with our age, how long we were married, why we divorced and if there are kids involved. But I’m going to write about my point of view, 42 years old, second divorce, was married 4 years and we have no kids together. 

As an independent woman I hear all the time “you don’t need a man” or I hear “you’re so beautiful why are you single” Single girls like hearing that as much as newlyweds like hearing “when are you going by to have a baby” For me, yes I need a man, I’m human, I’m a woman and I enjoy companionship and being loved and adored. Completely different then needing a man to pay my way. As far as the “you’re so beautiful…I have no answer lol. I’ve been told I’m intimidating to guys and I don’t get hit on in fear of rejection 🙄. Blah blah blah 

Ok let’s get done to my thoughts on dating. I hate it, I really do. At 42 how do I date, I’ve never been one to date multiple guys at once; trust me I tried and it’s exhausting. I don’t have a ton of free time and trying to juggle not just conversations but first dates as well, no thank you. Dating apps what the heck happened there!!! People have lost their mind. Yep I was on Plenty of Fish, Tinder and Bumble. I had a couple nice first dates, but mainly crazy dick pick, titty wanting creeps!! Who are the women showing these guys their boobs to where it’s acceptable to ask on the first conversation!! WOMEN STOP DEGRADING YOURSELF FOR A DATE!!!!  Hey I’m not saying we don’t like attention or someone to make us feel beautiful but come on ladies have some self respect!! So needless to say dating sites are not for me. So now where…

Dating after a divorce, for me I wasn’t crushed by my divorce, I still believe in love ever after, however my divorce did leave me with big trust issues. My ideas changed, priorities have changed and what I want in my partner. I’d like to say it’s easy to not fall back to the same pattern but it’s hard. My typical guy…the “hot bod, chiseled features, bad boy let’s have some crazy fun” Well tried that numerous times and it never works out. Ended in heartache, headache and disappointment. At this age it’s time to reevaluate what’s important.

So I have a lists of wants, needs and must haves in a man. I’ve gone on dates with guys who are perfect on paper but when I met them…nothing 😕. I seriously thought I was broken. Then I stopped being hard on myself and realized there’s nothing wrong with my expectations. There should be a connection, and it shouldn’t be forced. And I believe you can tell on the first date. So I kept moving on. I finally had a first date that well couldn’t have been better, we talked and walked and got caught in the rain LOL. There was a connection and I truly wanted to see this guy again, learn about him more, compare stories, laugh and see what happens. I realized I’m not broken! 😁 I have no idea where this going to go, I’m just taking it day by day. I’m going out of my comfort zone by letting it flow naturally, no questions, no doubt. 

My priorities when I was in my 20’s 1. Be hot 2. Like to party 3. No future. 

My priorities when I was in my 30’s 1. Must like kids 2. Must like animals 3. Be hot 4. Be funny 5. Is there a future?

My priorities now in my 40’s 1. Can I trust you 2. Must like kids and pets  3. Genuine 4. Make me laugh 5. Respectful 6. Impress my head and heart 7. Is there a future? 

See dating now isn’t just for free meals or a fun night. It’s do I see this person in my life long term. Will they have the qualities I’m needing in a partner, can they handle my moods, my goofiness, my needs? I know what I can give in a relationship and I have always been pretty open about it. My problem is I would allow my standards to change and mold to the guy instead of fining a guy who is my standard. 

Now after Divorce #2 I am learning to stay strong in who I am, what I like and I’m finding myself again. Realizing I let myself go for a guy because I needed him to accept me. Now I know I need a guy who accepts me for me, all of me the good and the bad. I want to grow with someone not change for someone. 

I’m not afraid of love, I’m a hopeless romantic! So ladies don’t loose yourself, don’t give up on love. It’s there, but stay true to you, your values, morals and self respect! There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship just don’t force it. It is true you need to be comfortable in your skin, comfortable alone and you have to love yourself first. You can still be independent and want a partner, someone to grow old with, someone to balance you, someone to love you unconditionally, BUT NEVER SETTLE!! 

It’s ok to move on

Moving on can be the scariest and most rewarding thing you can do…you could be finding yourself at a crossroads unsure of what to do. The change that needs to happen in your life could be small or big either way it can be scary. First you have to know its OK to make changes for you, and not worry about what others with think or feel. You have to make your life yours, not anyone elses. This seems to be especially hard for moms and wives, we tend to things and conduct our lives for everyone else but ourselves. Now I’m not saying to ignore the important people in your life, but if you don’t do what makes you happy the negative will flow into every aspect of your life…job, home, friends and relationships.

One thing that has taken me 40 years to learn its to STOP WORRYING WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK OF ME. Some of my choices will make others unhappy even angry, but their actions are their responsibility not mine. I have made many choices for my life that ultimately resulted in loss of friends and even blood family members. Even though these changes didn’t affect them directly, they felt I should do what they want, say what they would say and when I finally decided to put me first their true colors came shining through. Now not all choices I have made are good ones, but if people love you they will stand by your side no matter what your decision even if they disagree with them.

I do believe that in any choice you make you should consider how it will affect the people closest to you, that’s just common curtosy…but other people should not be your final decision. Follow your heart, follow your gut, your path is your path and nobody elses.

So as I type this I am making a decision to move on, this change comes in my career. I have decided to move into the medical field. Taking the leap of faith and choosing a path that will giving me the opportunity to do more for my life and no body else. Where the position and pay is a step back, its setting me up for bigger and better things. I know God will provide for me as I continue this journey and that I need to remember not to stress about the small things.

My time in the fitness industry has been eye-opening and a blessing, the people I have met have shaped my life for the better. It opened my eyes up to how love should be and how supportive people can be and its also shown me how shallow people are and self-absorbed. With it all I am leaving the industry with a smile on my face and a confidence that I know I gave my all. I have made great friends and have made well some enemies too but I’m ok with that, something I wasn’t ok with in the past.

Moving on…its a great feeling. Moving on…is necessary in life to better yourself. Moving on to the next chapter of life. Not everyone has the same chapter, don’t compare your life to others, their experiences to yours, keep your eye on you and what makes you happy. You may have to take a step back to move forward, don’t hesitate…do it! JUMP!!

Moving on to bigger and better!!

40 Things to do after 40

This is a list that I started for myself, starting my life over at 42 and single. Some I have already done but will do again, most are new for me and will take me out of my comfort zone and that is the point to all this. This list is my “Growth List” as I have a separate “Bucket List”. You can add/change the list to fit you, and you don’t have to wait to be 40 to start this list! This isn’t just for single women but all woman, be proud of who you are, never forget to take care of yourself! Green=I’ve completed as of today, but will most likely do again 🙂 Some of these items you don’t have to do alone, go with friends, significant other if you have one, or your kids. But do it for yourself first! IMG_2212-480x272

  1. New Bedroom Set Start Fresh, bedding, furniture, decorations. What ever you need to make it feel new to you.
  2. Learn Your Body sexually if you don’t already. We as women need to feel comfortable in our bodies. If you don’t know where to start find a Pure Romance consultant (I know a great one) if you already know your body…buy all new toys, time to start new and fresh
  3. Learn something new, learn a new language, craft…your choice
  4. Purge, clean out those closets, get rid of old and negative clutter
  5. Complement Yourself Every Morning For 30 Days Write Them Down
  6. Write Down Three Great Things That Happened To You Each Day
  7. Be Bold, stop worrying what others will think of you, or worrying about being rejected
  8. Take A Selfie With No Make Up
  9. Read a book series, find a category that is entertaining for you then set aside time each day to read.
  10. Hire Somebody To Help You Do Something That You Know You Don’t Want To Do, its OK to get help. Hire a housekeeper, someone to pick up dog poop, someone to meal prep for you, even if it’s just once. You will still be Wonder Woman even if you have help 😉
  11. Enjoy Your Dinner Out Alone, you can make it a simple restaurant or go even bolder and dress up and go to a fancy restaurant, shoulders back head held high! Be proud
  12. Stay In Bed All Day, yes we deserve this every once in a while.
  13. Get healthy, if you aren’t yet…Fitness it doesn’t have to be extreme but this something that you need to do at least four times a week, yoga, running, hiking etc.
  14. Take some boudoir photos. Feel sexy in yourself, find a professional and pose away!!
  15. Volunteer anywhere you have a passion
  16. Give Yourself A Day Of Pampering, mani, pedi, facial, massage…
  17. Go Out On A Date With A Younger Guy lol this help boost that self-esteem (ok this I probably wont do again LOL)
  18. Take A Class, art class, cooking class, a class to help your career
  19. Change Your Hair, don’t be afraid. Its only hair and if you don’t like it you can change it back. HOWEVER always go to a professional.
  20. Pick One Fear And Conquer It, I have a few but one is heights so I will be going sky diving!
  21. Move doesn’t have to be right away, even if it’s moving it to a different neighborhood, city or even bolder a state
  22. Change Careers, if that’s an option for you. As of today that is an option!
  23. Make Dinner For Friends
  24. Go On Vacation, true vacation not just a weekend somewhere. Even if you have to plan it months in advance. Do it…and don’t be afraid to go alone. I leave 7/12/17
  25. Go To A Concert
  26. Take Day Trips
  27. Dance In The Rain
  28. Play In The Sprinklers; you see all the public grass areas with sprinklers, pull the car over and have fun!!
  29. Learn to change a tire, check oil and fluids in your car. All women should know how to do this.
  30. Help a stranger, could be as simple as helping them with their groceries,
  31. Get a tattoo, big or small but have heartfelt meaning behind it
  32. Go a museum, I know there are a few here in Phoenix I have never been to
  33. Karaoke, this one will be hard for me as I’m not a fan BUT again getting out of my comfort zone
  34. Ride a roller coaster
  35. Go to a comedy show
  36. Take a walk on the beach
  37. Take a painting class
  38. Go fishing
  39. Go camping; sleeping under the stars is amazing!
  40. Forgive, what ever or whoever is holding you down in your heart. You don’t have to physically see them or talk to them but write it down as if you were. Let it go, release the pain and negativity and let the love and light flow within you.

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My journey back home

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6:30am So I decided to start this journey going back home, a small town where I grew up. Where events and people shaped me as a human. Going to go and appreciate all the wonders of the town that I truly didn’t appreciate when I was a kid. Going to relax and reflect. Going to head out here in a couple hours…I’m excited for what’s to come!

9:00am I finally it the road heading north to my home town. The drive shorter than I remembered, easy with minimal traffic. Saw the tower in Mayor that I use to think was for Rapunzel. Made my way through Prescott Valley, man this town has grown. As I roll into Prescott I stop at a little duplex I lived in while in elementary school.  I remember the closet that separated my room from my moms, that I could walk through and go from bedroom to bedroom. The home where our dog Megan that had her huge liter of puppies, where I tried to bake a cake for my mom and used the measuring cup out of the laundry soap…Yes the cake tasted like soap! Where we had our first microwave, and my mom surprised me one Christmas with my first cabbage patch doll.  This was a time where we could be home alone, when my mom worked nights she made sure I was safe and in bed by having he cops drive by, she worked dispatch for the Prescott Police Department. And of course this is the house where I saw MTV for the first time. 

I then drove by the house I lived in during high school.  Ahhh high school how I don’t miss you at all, not to say there weren’t some good times in the halls but for me these were not the best 4 years of my life. This is the house where I had my first boyfriend who yes was older than me and who my mom HATED! The house I tried to sneak out of my bedroom window into the back alley to yep, meet that boyfriend…yes I got caught; the house I threw my first house party and you guessed it, I got caught. The first house I came home late drunk and high, seeing all the light were out so my mom was still out at Matt’s Saloon…NOPE she was in side waiting for me LOL!!  The house is so much smaller than I remember, and so ruined down. Its been 26 years since I lived in this house, although there are times it feels like yesterday. 

Speaking of high school…had to pull in and sit, as I was sitting tears started flowing and just had to let it all out. So many people remember high school, all the details, the teachers, etc…I really don’t remember much. I know I didn’t do much, but I believe I also blocked out a lot on purpose for my wellbeing. I do remember I didn’t have any self confidence, didn’t have pride in myself. OH I could fake it, but deep down I was a mess. Sitting at this high school was a blessing in many ways. It showed me that I can over come, that I don’t have to live in the past and that I will always continue to grow as a person, needless to say I didn’t have a great high school experience.

Ahh the good ol’ YMCA my home away from home when I was a kid, after school and summer! Having a crush on a lifeguard named CHIP!

The baseball field where I played T-ball and softball! Hit my first home run here! GO RED HOTS!! I was even featured in the local paper. 

And of course my first elementary school when we moved here in 82 Miller Valley! Angie was my first friend and we are still friends today! I went to many elementary schools thought-out Prescott, but this is my first…I have good memories of this school. If I remember correctly after Miller Valley I went to Lincoln, and then Dexter, before heading off to Granite Mountain Junior High…

It’s a little after 12noon and I’m sitting and enjoying the weather at the court-house square and taking in what is my home town, the good and the bad. Remembering the past as it shaped me. The ups, the downs, the struggles, the disappointments, the growth. Appreciating the simpler times but never regretting leaving and exploring life. People tell me all the time “oh how wonderful it must have been to grow up in Prescott” like it’s some magical town LOL, well for me it was great as a little kid but in my teen years it was a struggle. I always had an itch to leave and see what was out in the world. 25 years later I may not have seen the world yet, I definitely have seen enough to create the woman I am today. This journey to my home town was what I needed, and I do plan to go back and share even more. My past wounds have healed and I look forward to making new memories in my hometown!!

Well my day couldn’t have ended better. Had a wonderful conversation with a new old friend 😉 and I’m looking forward to getting to know more. We walked, talked and got caught in the rain and continued to enjoy each others company. It was nice and refreshing. Headed back home with a smile and a sense of peace. 

On to the next journey…5 days with my son in San Francisco, visiting with a friend who I’ve never met in person and checking more off my Growth List!

My Why…its just the beginning

So today starts day one of my journaling. I’m choosing to do all of this to not only help myself but hopefully help other women. Throughout my journey I’m going to document my travels, my experiences, my highs, my lows and what they all mean to me and what I learned from everything. Starting over at age 42 and I find a lot of us women are doing this and we have forgotten how to love ourselves so with this journey my goal is to truly love myself and do things I never thought I would do before. There will be a blog you can follow, videos and pictures along with 40 things to do after 40!! #❤️lifesjourney I will be stepping out of my comfort zone for a lot of it, but I know that’s what’s required to grow! I’m excited and nervous to share this with everyone!! #❤️lifesjourney  #goteam #single42andfabulous!

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What’s to come

So I want to share that this blog is going to be real and raw. There will be grammatical errors and spelling errors but I’m not worried about that, I just want to share and hope my experience good and bad help people. Some post will be on the spot using voice to text, some video and some pictures. I will be incorporating my social media too! I have a list of 40 things every woman should do, some I’ve already done, most I haven’t. This isn’t a bucket list but a growth list! Some things I will do alone, some with friends and some with my son. But with them all my goal is to learn and grow as a woman, person and mother. LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN!!